blanket of depression

Isn’t this blanket luscious? You can literally see the plush fur in the photos. The warmth it brings is unlike any other blanket either! Saranoni really has the blanket science down. They are truly snuggly-worthy.

Not to be a copy-cat… but I have seen some of my favorite bloggers speaking about their experience with depression. I felt that it was a wonderful thing that such strong women that I interact with were able to come out and talk about such a hardship. I decided I wanted to be brave like them.

Depression is an interesting illness. It is not something you can see. It is definitely not something you can put your finger on. If you try and explain it to someone who has never suffered from depression, it is impossible to explain.

The best way I have ever been able to describe my feeling of sorrow when going through a bout of depression is a feeling of blandness. It is as if your life is being seen through a blue filter, nothing stands out, nothing sounds fun. Your sadness is just unexplainable, and incurable for those hours or days or months.

This all started (or really became bad) in 5th grade when I started coming home often because of a stomachache. I could wake up in the morning, leave for school, and sometimes be in the office by lunch. After this happening a little too much for comfort, my mom took me into the doctor. It turns out I had given myself ulcers. You see, I was, and still am, a bit of a perfectionist. My worrying had actually been detrimental to my health.

Later that same year, I found my poor 10-year-old self in tears. Now, I have never wanted to commit suicide. Let me be clear on that. However, I don’t put fault on those who do. I’ll get more into that later. Sometimes though, while I was in my room in an uncontrollable panic or hysteria, I would admit that I didn’t want to live any longer.

Depression does run in my family. Maybe on both sides. This behavior, was not learned though. I was not just being a drama-queen. Although some may say I am too sensitive, I might even beg to differ. I never cry unless extremely touched or hurt. So, for a ten-year-old to be having these feelings was genuine, authentic, and extremely horrible.

Depression and anxiety is not something that can be mentally controlled. Perhaps this is something that bothers me the most with the sigma against the illness. Mental illness can stem from psychological disorders, but many times it is a chemical misfire in the brain. Our genes are the writing for how our brain makes and delivers chemicals to our sensory system. Everyone runs differently. Those with depression just don’t create or interpret those chemicals for happiness the same.

There is a way to keep depression at bay. Notice I say AT BAY. I have learned this lesson the hard way far too many times in my life. You see, a problem with many people who take medication is denial. Medication is prescribed and taken as directed for a while. The patient starts to feel normal. This feeling of normalcy is the villain. When some people, like me, begin to feel this way, we think we can handle ourselves. Thus, the medication stop being taken as prescribed. The cycle begins again as soon as the medicine is completely out of the system.

Luckily, I have figured out how to control my illness. I take my medication everyday without a thought of dependency. Sure, I realize I am dependent on it, but I don’t feel like less of a person because of it. The medicine is needed for my brain to work correctly, just like water is needed for my body to work correctly. Denying my body something so essential is cruel.

After reading this, I want to mention four things:

If you don’t struggle with depression, try to understand. Sometimes comforting that person in need can help them. Sometimes privacy may help them more. The best thing you can do for a person that has depression, anxiety, or any mental illness is to treat them like they are normal. It may be hard to understand, but it is certainly not wrong.

If you do struggle with depression (and I don’t just mean my boyfriend broke up with me and now I am sad), please see your doctor. PLEASE get help. Medicine is one of the many modern miracles and to say no to such a brilliant science that can help you keep your life on track is insane. Don’t make the same mistake I did (several times) of going off your medication. Trust me… I have been on mine fore 3 straight years now and have felt depressed maybe 3 times for about a day. I promise it is worth it.

If you are struggling with suicide. GET HELP. Know that people love you. Know that you will be missed more than you can comprehend. Know that your existence is pivotal in peoples’ lives.

And, if you are a friend or family member of someone who has committed suicide because of anxiety or depression, know that it wasn’t a selfish choice. Sometimes when people feel depressed, they are not in the right state of mind. I feel that they cannot be held accountable for this.

I also feel that Heavenly Father does not hold people accountable for this, because He understands our hurt. Christ has felt every sorrow we have ever had. Sometimes it is inconceivable, but for people who deal with hurt everyday, I think He is also more understanding than we may think.